“To be honest I wonder what I’m doing here.  It takes me all my time to get dressed and feed myself.  Not sure what’s the point of me still being alive.”

This from my friend who is in her nineties.

A person experiences an existential crisis when they feel that life has lost its meaning and purpose.  They may experience depression, anxiety, despair or general apathy.  Turning ninety is often a catalyst for such a crisis.

I first came across the idea that many people in their nineties (and sometimes eighties) doubt the point of their existence in Jane Marie Thibault’s book “A Deepening Love Affair: The Gift of God in Later Life”.   She writes that many in this age group no longer believe they should still exist.  They have lost their sense of meaning and purpose in life let alone being able to experience joy.   “Rubbish!” I thought “Not the old people I know.”  However, I decided to check this out with some of my older friends.  To my astonishment I found this is a common sentiment.  People who seemed happy on the surface and were still living relatively independently, felt that, because their strength was failing and they weren’t useful anymore they shouldn’t continue living.  One elderly man even said he believed in euthanasia once you reached this stage of life.  This loss of the meaning and purpose of one’s life is an existential crisis for many older people which is largely ignored by the church.

Of course, when these people look back on their usually successful lives they acknowledge that they can no longer do what they used to do.  Aching bones, weak muscles, poor balance and other ailments probably mean that your average ninety-year-old can’t do much at all.  Naturally there are exceptions, but on the whole, this is the case.

Many of these people are faithful church members.  They are indeed valuable members of our church communities but they don’t feel that way.

How can clergy and other pastoral leaders help them know that they still truly belong to the human race – that they are valued and valuable?

I think one answer lies in discerning the difference between ministries of doing and ministries of being.  It is not just clergy who are called to ministry.  Everyone has a calling from God of some sort.  Jane Marie Thibault writes that we are all called to ministry right into the nursing home bed.  But those ministries change as we grow older. We move from predominantly doing to predominantly being.

Remember the story of Mary and Martha when Jesus visited them.  As Mary sat at Jesus’ feet learning from him, Martha struggled to get the meal prepared.  She was upset at Mary’s apparent laziness – her failure to “do”, not recognising that Mary was immersed in “being” as she drank in Jesus’ words.  Jesus said “Mary has chosen the better part”. Luke 10:42. It seems that in Jesus’ eyes, being was very important indeed.

We are all part Mary and part Martha.  We have both ministries of doing (Martha) and ministries of being (Mary).  Ministries of doing within the church involve activities of many kinds – preparing church services, organising trading tables, singing in the music group, running the Sunday School or the Op Shop etc.  If a church does not have a minimum number of doers to keep the wheels of ministry turning it is in trouble.   In our society in general and the church in particular, doing is applauded.  The ministries of being are often overlooked or seen as inferior.  Older people who have been doers all their lives find it as hard as anyone else to value being.

Maybe the church needs to formally name, cultivate and acknowledge the ministries of being. In this way the existential crisis of turning ninety may be averted. 

Let’s look at what these ministries might be.

Ministries of Being

1. Prayer and Mindfulness

This ministry of being involves times of stillness when we take a break from the busyness of everyday life and pause to receive God’s grace; when we calm down, relax and pray; when we attend to the beauty of nature, listen to music, or gaze at a beautiful painting.  Being is essential for prayerful communion with God.  Older people have more time for solitude and prayer which includes prayer for themselves, for others in their community, and for the world.   Prayer is a ministry of being. What a wonderful gift to all of the busy people in our churches and in the wider community.

Would it be possible in our churches to extend the ministry of prayer to include more older people in a formal way? Maybe in addition to the prayer chain could older people who are willing, be nominated as “Prayers” (sometimes called Prayer Warriors) who could be approached by anyone who felt the need for prayer?

2. Listening

Ministries of being include really appreciating another person as well as appreciating ourselves.  (I realise that older people have been brought up to eschew thinking well of themselves but it is essential to a person’s well-being to enjoy good self esteem.)  Exercising this ministry of being involves really listening to what another is saying and trying to understand where they are coming, from, rather than formulating a reply in our heads as they speak.  Careful listening is an important ministry of being.

I was discussing this idea with two friends who are in their nineties.  One said “I was a nurse.  That was my calling.  I have no calling now.”  Then she paused, “Maybe my calling is listening.  When the Carer calls in on my husband and me to help us, she starts talking about her problems as soon as I open the door.  I listen as carefully as I can.  She doesn’t stop talking until she is on her way out, feeling much more relaxed.  You’re right.  Listening is my calling.” Then her friend chimed in.  “Listening is my calling too.  When we have family gatherings I stay out of the kitchen nowadays and leave the work to the younger ones.  I sit on the couch and my little three -year -old great granddaughter comes and sits beside me and tells me all her little stories about kindy and what is happening in her life.  No-one else has the time to really listen to her.  I can see that listening is a calling to ministry.” 

Prayer and Listening are spiritual practices.  They are two important ministries of being.

3. Kindness and Friendship

I was talking about ministries of being in my sermon to a small congregation.  I noticed that one elderly man was leaning forward in his seat and listening intently.  At morning tea he came up to speak to me.  He was very excited.  “I have just moved into a retirement village and have been feeling pretty bad about it. Like it was the end of the road.” he said. “Anyway, we residents have our meals together.  The other day I noticed that my neighbour couldn’t reach her drink and I pushed it closer to her. ‘That was kind.’ she said.  That’s my calling.”, he said confidently and happily, “Kindness!”  He had found his ministry. 

Welcome, friendship, and kindness are ministries of being that are always needed in our church communities and beyond, and that people of any age can offer.

I wonder is it possible for local churches to become more attuned to the ministries of being rather than just being preoccupied with doing?  Could we acknowledge, formally name and intentionally use these ministries of our older folk?  In this way the existential crisis of turning ninety could be effectively transformed into life giving ministry.

Reference

Jane Marie Thibault,  A Deepening Love Affair: The Gift of God in Later Life, Upper Room Books, Nashville, 1993. P14.